BREAKING: White House Announces F.R.A.K.E. Initiative to Address Northward Smoke Drift

Satire

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who remembers the Great Rake Debate of 2018, the White House has announced a bold new plan to address wildfire smoke drifting from Oregon and Washington into Canada — and it involves a lot of raking.

The full text of the Executive Order follows:

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Executive Order: Forest Reciprocity and Aggressive Kindling Effort (F.R.A.K.E.)

Addressing the Unacceptable Northward Drift of American Wildfire Smoke

Washington, D.C. – July 19, 2026

Whereas, the great forests of Oregon and Washington have, in recent fire seasons, produced smoke that has drifted across the northern border into the sovereign airspace of Canada;

Whereas, this Administration has previously identified forest floor cleanliness — specifically, vigorous and consistent raking — as the single most effective wildfire mitigation strategy known to mankind;

Whereas, it would be the height of hypocrisy for the United States to lecture its northern neighbor about forest tidiness while its own forest floors remain, by all accounts, extremely un-raked;

Now, Therefore, it is hereby ordered:

Section 1. Every able-bodied resident of Oregon and Washington shall report to their nearest National Forest with a rake, a tarp, and a positive attitude, no later than 0800 hours tomorrow.

Section 2. The Pacific Northwest's forest floors — estimated at several million acres of unraked terrain — shall be cleared, swept, and organized into tidy, exportable piles by end of fiscal year.

Section 3. Any smoke found crossing the 49th parallel without proper documentation will be considered an unauthorized export and subject to retaliatory tariffs, to be paid in maple syrup.

Section 4. The Administration extends its gratitude to the Government of Canada for its patience and its extensive expertise on this matter, freely offered.

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This post is a work of satire and is not an actual government document or statement.